Everyone Wants to Rule the World
by Cyber Hyena1
Summary: Prince Herb tries to take over Nermia, random lanmarks are blown up by Thorn and Zorn, and everything is just plain silly. R&R if you dare, and please,no flames.


Everybody Wants to Rule the World

****

Disclaimer: I don't own any Ranma ½ characters, or Final Fantasy Characters. They belong to their respective owners. I'm too poor to even hire out Zorn and Thorn.

Prince Herb glared at his amassed warriors and mercenaries, all of whom were falling asleep. He whacked a pointer against a chart, starling all awake. 'THIS is our funds." Herb gestured to a red line that was off the page and in a toilet. "And this is our villain popularity." He pointed to a black line that mimicked the red one. "Can any of you geniuses guess what this means?" He glared again at his warriors.

A timid hand raised into view. "Uh, they're both in the crapper?" he asked. The ruler of the Musk Dynasty rolled his eyes. "I couldn't have put it better myself. Now what are we going to do about it?"

"Why don't we ask those two new guys we're paying." Offered Mint, pointing at Thorn and Zorn. Both henchmen were engaged in a heated game of chess, each one making the same move as the other. "Very good, Mint." He turned to the two jesters. "You two!"

Both ignored the man/woman and continued with their game, oblivious to everything around them. "Your move." Zorn said. Thorn looked down. "Hey! Not possible, that move is!" Zorn crossed his arms. "Yes it is."

Herb cleared his throat and then screamed at the top his lungs. "ZORN!! THORN!!" They both yelped and the board went flying into the air and crashed down on their heads, chess pieces scattering in every direction.

"That's better, now from what I've seen you two have done nothing on your Phoenix Summon Plan." Zorn looked up. "We decided to scrap that plan." Herb wasn't pleased.

"Then what the hell have you been doing with my money?!!"

"Bought Stock options, we did." Thorn blurted out. Zorn bonked him on the head. "Shaddup you dolt!"

"WHAT?!!"

"Worry, not. A different idea, we came up with." He grinned winningly and handed their boss the latest copy of "Villains Monthly." One of ads was circled in red marker. Herb gave them a dark look. "This had better work, or I will personally throw you two in Spring of Drowned Trout."

*****************

"Hey thanks for letting me come fishing with you guys." Ranma said, stretching out in the boat he was occupying with Rajin and Reeve. "Hey we're glad to have you around, and I'm glad I finally got some time off." Reeve said, tossing his suit jacket aside.

"Yeah, this the life, ya know? Out here I don't have to worry about Fujin kicking me. They hurt, ya know?" Rajin commented, sipping a Coke. "Not half as much, as Akane's mallet." Rajin was going to comment further, when a large shape fell out of the sky and nearly crushed Reeve. The shape turned out to be Cait Sith.

"Reeve! Buddy, pal! I need 50,000 gil for a hot stock tip I got from Mayor Domino." The toy cat begged, putting on his most pathetic face. Reeve could only groan in either pain or despair, maybe even a little of both. The other two sniggered.

Then suddenly a ship passed by and a blur shot from the deck and hit Ranma, his spine gave a sickening crunch. "Shampoo so glad she find Airen before pervert girl and spatula girl do!" The Amazon said, snuggling up to her beloved. Ranma's only response was strangled gurgle

Rajin sat back, putting one hand behind his head and gripped his fishing pole in the other. He was never one to pass up free entertainment. *More fish for me, ya know.* he thought happily.

**************

"Green Wire Connected to the Green Wire." Zorn muttered as he attached both wires together. Thorn looked out the window. "Set up laser in space, why did we?" he asked his twin.

His partner in crime looked up. "So we can target multiple worlds." Zorn replied and shocked himself as he put the wrong two wires together. "All wrong, that is!" Thorn reached in and properly made the connection. "Okay, we're all set!" Zorn said gleefully.

Both jesters hopped in the command chairs at the control panel and began hitting buttons. "Test fire it, we should." Thorn advised. "Good idea." Zorn pulled out a globe, marked "FF7 World." He gave a quick spin and stopped it with his finger. "Target one is Junon!"

They both hit a large red button marked "Fire" and a thick green beam laced out at the planet. In Niblehiem, the local Wal-Mart was vaporized a shower of flaming debris.

"You shot wrong!"

"Aimed wrong, you did!"

*************

Vincent Valentine ran out of the Shinra Mansion to see what all the fuss was and all he saw was the smoking crater where Wal-Mart used to be. His expression soured and he clenched his claw and shook it with fury.

"The infidels." He whispered.

***********

"Have you got it this time?" Zorn asked, adjusting the targeting for another world. "Miss this time, we can't!" he said giving, a thumbs up. "Nuke Balamb!" Another beam laced out.

"Shit" Zorn muttered glancing in the telescope. "What happened?" Thorn asked, scratching his head. "We blew up the White SeeD Ship!!"

"All your fault, this is!"

************

Watts and Zone sat in small life boat with the ships captain and the watched the prow of the ship sink beneath the waves. "Well, now what, sir?" Watts asked Zone. Zone shrugged. "We wait for help."

They sat there for a minute before the captain spoke up. "Zone?"

"Yeah?"

"You still got that copy of 'The Girl Next Door?'"

Zone gave a lecherous grin.

**********

"Okay, Let's try it again." Zorn said with exasperation. "Blow up Linblum, Let's." They took another shot and the beam, unfortunately for Zorn and Thorn, hit a certain desert palace, causing a spray of sand to fill the air like a geyser.

Thorn and Zorn both paled and hid under their chairs. "Go over well Master Kuja, this will not." Thorn whimpered.

**********

"Cid, are you sure you know where we're going, we've passed PuPu's ship three times now." Nanaki commented as he glanced out the rocket's window. The grizzled pilot light up a smoke.

"Of 'course I do! I'm Cid #%$# Highwind!" he boasted. The lion/wolf sighed. "Well then please take over the piloting duties of the vessel, I'm afraid that new trainee of yours has gotten us lost."

Ryoga glanced hopelessly at the controls and then out the view port. He was trying to find a space station, but all he could see was end-less abyss. He silently cursed Ranma. 

"WHERE AM I?!" could be heard through out the cosmos.

************

"The charm, the fourth time is." Thorn said hopefully. Zorn nodded and set the laser canon in different direction. "Okay let's try something a little easier." He commented looking through the telescope.

"Tokyo?" suggested Thorn. Zorn began to bounce up and down. "Yeah! Then we'll get rid of those guys Prince Herb's always ranting about." That sounded good, if they hit their target, they would score points with their employer.

Both jesters crossed their fingers as they hit the "Fire" button again. The blast erupted forth and un-mercilessly obliterated it's destination. Too bad it just happened to be Mt. Phoenix.

They glanced at each other. "Maybe no one will notice." Zorn said. Then the phone next to him began to ring. "We are in trouble, Do you think?" Thorn asked while the phone continued to ring. Zorn finally picked up the receiver. "Be mad, he will." Thorn said sadly.

"H-Hello?"

**************

Thorn was wrong, Herb wasn't mad. He was livid.

"WHAT  THE HELL KIND OF OPERTAION DOING YOU THINK I'M RUNNING HERE?! YOUR MAKING ME LOOK BAD!!" Herb shrieked into the telephone waving his fist in fury. "I'M NOT PAYING YOU TO MISS EVERY FRIGGIN' SHOT YOU FIRE!!" With that he slammed the receiver back on the base of the telephone, snapping it in half.

Herb turned to his minions. "Okay we're going to have to keep the masses occupied so they don't notice those two idiots blowing up multiple land marks while they learn how to aim. Any ideas?"

"Oooh! Oooh! Lets commit several assassinations in the Amazon village and say that their elders aren't doing a god enough job?" Lime exclaimed.

"We're looking for something a little more wide scale."

"Then let's assassinate the emperor." Mint suggested.

"We don't have the money for that!" Others began throwing out suggestions.

"You could make a huge wound in the planet and stand in the center of it and gather all the lifestream knowledge and become a god!"

"That'd never work."

"Then let's compress time."

"Again, we don't enough money for that, and even if we did I don't know how to!"

"We could go around to various countries and spark war among them and then sell them their own privet armies of Mages made from fermented souls!"

"That's been done to death."

"Why don't we just blow something up?" one soldier said. Herb paused for a moment, then smiled. "Why that's brilliant!"

**************

Principle Kuno chuckled to himself as he snuck into the bathroom. "I'm going to get my surfing practice in today, whether the students like it  or not." He mumbled as he gathered wads of tissues and toilet paper and walked into the nearest stall.

Seconds later the bathroom door burst down as the principle came running out screaming like a lost soul. "THERE"S A BOMB IN THE BATHROOM!!" People began to run in a stampede to save their own skins, some were trampled as the building emptied. 

Just as Gosunkugi reached the doors, the bomb's count down reached zero and set off a  chain reaction explosion. The voodoo practitioner leapt from the stairs in slow motion just as the building exploded behind him, creating an impressive back drop.

Gosunkugi rolled on the ground as his body hit real time and looked back at the narrow escape he made. The other students gawked for a moment, before breaking out into wild applause.

***********

herb sat on his throne with an ice pack pressed against his forehead. "I can't believe it all." He moaned before throwing off the ice and glaring at his subordinates. "All I ask for is a couple thousand deaths, just like any other tyrant bent on dominating the world. And how many causalities were there? ONE!! And that was due to a _paper cut_! A PAPER CUT!!"

The Musk shifted nervously. "Do you have any idea how much those C4's COST?!" He glowered at his troops. "A lot?" Lime said timidly. "Well, give Sherlock a cookie! Now I have get another weapon of mass destruction!" Herb turn and stomped off.

"What's his problem?" asked Mint. "It's that-time-of-the-month." Lime replied sagely.

*************

"Zorn?"

"What, I'm busy." He muttered while getting tangled up in a massive flow chart on how to aim the cannon. "Notice something I have." Thorn said. "Shut up, I think I have it." Thorn sighed and sat for a moment, then piped up again. "What does this button do?"

'What button?" Zorn asked tersely before seeing a green button marked, "Auto Aim." He blinked, then kicked his twin. "Why didn't you tell me that sooner?!" Thorn shrugged as the computer targeted NabCorp. The real head of Nermia.

"FIRE!"

"FIRE!"

A Green arc of energy streaked towards the planet bellow.

*************

"Uh, mam'm?" a voice asked timidly from Nabiki's phone. "What is it?" she demanded.

"Look out the window."

Sighing, the middle Tendo sister rose for her desk and pulled aside the curtains, reviling a laser beam baring down upon the building. "Oh Shit."

*************

"We did it!"

"We did it!"

Zorn hastily dialed up the Musk Citadel. "Nermia is down repeat, Nermia is down! Move in and take over!!" He hung up and both jesters began to cartwheel gleefully.

**************

The dazed citizens of Nermia were shaken by a second explosion as Musk warriors and mercenaries flood in into the town, surrounding all the civilians. "Everyone put your hands in the air and keep them there!"

The wall of warriors parted aside for three individuals, two men and a woman. "Greetings, fools. I'm your new ruler, Prince Herb." A few people snickered at that. "Why does everyone do that?" Herb scowled while Lime and Mint occupied themselves with watching the sky.

"Now that I rule you, you must do anything I say! You!" he pointed to a student. "Go and rob a pastry shop and bring me back a Danish!" He turned to his body guards. "You want anything?"

************

"Huh, Shera's better at finding things than you are." Cid groused as Ryoga dodged a meteor. "I'm doing my best!" Ryoga snapped.

Nanaki was observing out the Aft view port when a large shape materialized out of the dark-ness. "Gentlemen, me may be in imminent danger of colliding with a large foreign object!" They stared blankly at them. "I other word we're going to crash into something!"

"$%# Looks like we're gonna hit it in a minute here!"

************

"Further more, all usage of hair gel is prohibited to all except for me and my followers." The crowd gave another weak cheer as a man behind Herb recorded each new law. "HERB!" The prince whirled around to find Ranma and the rest of the Nermia crew surrounding his troops.

"Crap! Attack them!" Herb ordered as mass hysteria and chaos broke out, the defenders beating Herb's warriors senseless. He grabbed a walki talki from a downed soldier and dodged a bonbrai swing. "Hey! Watch it!" He then creamed to Thorn and Zorn. "Fire the laser on Saotome!!"

"10"

"9"

************

"Firing in 8"

"7"

"6"

"5"

CRASH! The two midgets were thrown off balance and the lights went out. "What the hell happened?" Zorn wondered. "Power, we don't have!" Thorn cried. "Then boot up the back up generator!"

It was dark for a minute more before the lights snapped on…and the two henchmen found themselves encircled by Cid, Red XIII, and Ryoga. "The jigs up, clowns." Cid chuckled, hefting the Venus Gospel at Zorn.

"I hope the food in jail is decent." Zorn mumbled.

*************

Herb glanced at the sky, expecting a wave of plasma to incinerate is foes, but nothing happened. "Well shit, it seems we've been screwed over. RETREAT!!" The Musk dropped their weapons and fled the city, screaming.

As he ran, Herbs phone rang. "WHAT?!" he shouted. A meek voice said, "Hi, boss. Uh, we have good news and we have bad news." Zorn sounded sheepish. Herb sighed as he ducked a wave of spatulas. "Give me the good new first." He ordered.

"Went up 1.5 %, our stock did." Thorn reported. "And the bad news?"

"We got caught. Can you come bail us out." Herb didn't even respond as he threw the phone aside and put on more speed.

*************

"Hey, you two, the clowns." Thorn glared up at the cop who was standing at the cell door. "Clowns, we are not!" he said scathingly. "Yeah, we're jesters." The guard rolled his eyes. "Whatever, get out here, you made bail." Thorn and Zorn gave him puzzled looks.

They walked out of the police station to find, to their terror, Kuja standing there. "M-m-master Kuja, what a pleasant surprise!" Zorn stammered. "Hello, boys. Enjoy your stay?" he asked.

"Uh, listen, about the palace…" Kuja lifted an eyebrow. 'Oh, so that was you two?" The two jesters screamed like girls and tried to hide behind each other. "Don't worry about it." Kuja said airily. They blinked. "I was planning to renovate the place anyway."

He motioned for them to follow him. They walked in silence before Thorn asked. "Bail us out, why did you?" Kuja shrugged. "You're the only full time help I can get, that and you work cheaply."

End.

R&R and please no flames.


End file.
